Momento

After so much time passing, I finally faced the 'what to do with these photos' question.

Do I keep all the photos I have taken over the years of his family?  Do I keep the wedding photos, do I keep all the family happy snaps and what about all the photos of the niece's and nephews that aren't mine anymore.  How about the holiday snaps that we took together, do I still keep them?  Then there is the photos where he is with my family and the very rare photo of me and him together.  

These are snip-its of my life, people I have known, things that I have done, places I have been.....  do I delegate them to the dark corners of my memory only and delete the visual cues that will one day bring those memories back?

Then there are the questions about what to do with old presents, jewellery (i.e. the engagement ring) and pretty much anything he might have touched or might remind me of him. What do I do then?

There are of course some things I can't get rid of (like the cat) and things that are out of my control to stop being hit over the head with an old memory (like the other day hearing an old song that we use to say I love you to when ever it played),  I'm just have to keep working on not give them the freedom to dance around for too long inside my head.

As to the things I can get rid of,  I have started to ask myself about the significance of the object (or photo) and why am I keeping it.  I deleted ever last single photo I had of him on his own,  the only one's that remain are the ones I wanted to keep not because of him, but because of me.  

I kept the photo of us at his graduation, mainly because I have so very few photos of me at that stage of my life (and I have blue hair!!! haha).  I kept my holiday snaps but deleted every last one that he was in.   When it came to his family, I simply asked myself what I would want him to do if he still had any photos of my family.  I'd want him to delete them, I don't think it's right to keep photos of each others families - even if we are in the photos our selves.   I wish we had of talked about that side of things as I really makes me uncomfortable to think that he still has photos of my nieces and nephew.   So of course given how I felt, I deleted all the photos I had of his family.  

Lucky enough when it came to photos of him with my family,  it turned out that decision was easy.  Most of the photos weren't important or significant, so they where easy to delete.  After all they  (my nieces and nephew) don't need to have any reminders of him, I really doubt in a few years time they will even remember him at all.  In a small way it is lucky that they live so far away as they never really spent that much time with him, so he never got to make any lasting impressions on them.  

It's only the lasting impressions he left on me that I have to worry about.

but I am extremely confident that ....  this too shall pass 

"You are more then You have become"

Home alone with the cats on a friday night, this has been my life for too long.  I'm starting to realise that I really need to work on my self confidence, not for anyone else benefit but my own.  I've never been very comfortable in my own skin and with the hell I've been through this last year and a bit it's hard not to want to hide inside, both literally and mentally.  

But by doing that I am just creating a never ending cycle of pain for myself, after all if I don't 'get out there' how can I ever move on?  So this week I cut my hair and coloured it bright blue.  Why you ask???  My family will all think I'm crazy and no one will like it.   But the reason behind it is this.  I need to do something to drive myself out of my comfort zone, I need to stop being me.   

I have wanted to go 'crazy' with colour for my hair for years but the fact that I'm not exactly skinny (okay so I'm fat - very fat) always made me hesitant to stand out even more in public.  I think if I waited until I was acceptably skinny then I'd never actually do it.  

My hope is that having the hair will give me the motivation to want to feel like I have the 'right' to it.  That I'll push myself to take better care of myself and actually really put the effort in that has been lacking for my life time to get to be the confident, healthy person I need to be.   

I started the year trying to work out my head.  I still have a long way to go and never realised just how 'messed' up I've been.   It actually got worse for sometime (still haven't bounced back).  

There are many things I want to achieve in my lifetime.   There are many things I have missed out on achieving as I sold myself short for so long and just gave up on myself.   

I don't have any real answers.   All I know is that I want to feel good in my skin just once in my adult life and to do that I have to at least try and get over this debilitating self doubt. 

my truth

So it's early morning and I haven't been able to sleep tonight I've spent the best part of the early hours reading through old blog post, laughing at all the things I use to write.  It's scary how some things are still the same , the old worries, fears and wishes for things to be different.  But what is even more scary is just how different other things are.

I couldn't help in an un-conceited way to realise how funny, crazy and happy (even in the not so happy posts) I was.  If I wasn't reading my own words I would have been jealous of her, at how funny, expressive, smart and creative she was.

Ohhh how I wish I still was all of that.  I don't quite know how or why, but over the last few years I lost sight of that girl.  That fun, crazy, only wants to make you laugh - even if it's at her own expense - loud, smart, talkative girl.

I don't think many of the people who knew me back then would recognise me now.   I'm quite, I don't poke fun at myself, I can't remember the last time I truly laughed with someone until I cried.  For the most part I keep to myself and try not to say boo to a fly.

I want to say so much but I don't.  There isn't really a point anymore.  I use to open up so easily and just blurt out what ever came into my head, but now I close off and filter every word.  I don't even know if I will post this. Because although I think no one will really read this (as everyone who ever read this has long ago stopped reading) there is that what if, what if someone does, I don't want anyone to worry unnecessarily,  I don't want anyone's pity and most importantly I don't want the people who have hurt me to read this and think they have 'won' either.

But maybe the only way back to that girl I remember and would love to be again.  To write it all out, post it and just keep writing until I find her again.   After all I have always found that writing is the one thing that grounds me.   It's my version of cheap therapy.

So I guess I will start here.   I will address the whole 'people who have hurt me' thing.  The biggest one has to be the name that is mentioned many times over in past blog posts.   A name I would like to scrub out of every last one, but in doing that I would scrubbing out a lot of my life.   Half of my life has been spent around that one person.   I can't bring myself to type his name but I guess I should force myself too.

Awhile ago I ran into the old 'in-laws' and found out some news that had way too much of an impact on my life then it should have.  I found out that only 10 months after Stacy and I had finally split, he was engaged, but not to the women he created on me with, but to a friend he had meet at uni when we had first gotten back together. Lucky for me not only do I know their 'how we meet story', but I have meet her more then once, I even have photos of them together posted to this very same blog as I found out tonight (must remember to go delete that!).

They got married in April - a week after my birthday funny enough.

I don't know what was worse, the way his mum seemed so pleased and happy to tell me the news or the shock that here I was still trying to piece back my trust and he was married.   Of course I did all the normal self harm things, I tracked down every Facebook connection I could,  I saw that she had changed her last name, a name that I had dreamt about changing mine to for so long.  I saw the wedding photos and as I tried to sleep that night in my bed, the very bed that I had spent the last year trying to get the image of him sleeping with someone else in out of my head....  I realised that he was sleeping next to his wife and certainly not giving me a single last thought.

Maybe though the worst thing is that I do know the person he now calls wife.  I liked her, I cared about her, I can find no fault with her.   I wonder what stories about us he has told everyone.  Did he tell them it was amicable? What was his version of the truth?  Is he is even capable of knowing what that is.  I have wondered if he made me out to be the 'bad' guy?  I doubt he told them everything, after all he didn't even tell me! The only way I found out was because I didn't accept his words at face value and dug a little deeper.   By the time we broke up I had very little to do with his family anymore so had no reason to talk to them once it was all over.  The few times we did run into them, they would just talk to him and ignore me, which was fine with me by then.

For weeks I have turned everything over in my head again and again.  I've played the conversation I had with his mum over and over.  I wish I had said more, I wish I'd not stopped to say hello.  I wish I hadn't of been so rocked by the news but most of all I wish for once it wasn't me being left hurt again.

I've found myself wanting to ask his wife so many questions....

Does she know his Dad isn't his real Dad yet?  That he really is a bastard in the literal sense of the word.

Does she know that she isn't the first girl he's brought an engagement ring for?

Did he tell her that the first time we broke up (after five years together and a marriage proposal) he'd said it was because he needed space to find himself.   When what he really had meant (and wouldn't admit to even when asked point blank)  was that he'd fallen in love with someone else.  A women who he worked with,  who happened to also be engaged to the father of her two children.

Did he tell her how they broke up her family for a few weeks, until she went back to her finance.  A choice I don't think he's ever gotten over.  I wonder if he has told her the truth about that whole story, a truth I've always believed he never really told me.

What about this time around, what story has he told about that.  Another five years together, another ending.

Did he tell her that it was a mix of us growing apart, me not holding up my end of the deal with the whole work thing, that he tried but it just wasn't right?

Did he tell her how in those last six months he'd been having an affair with a married co-worker.  That he'd slept with her in our bed while I was away.   That he'd kissed me good night and then gone to bed dreaming of someone else.  That when he said he loved me, he was in love with someone else (again).  That he hung out with not only her children but her husband as well!! That he'd wanted her to leave her husband (and family) for him and when she didn't, she broke his heart?

Did he tell her the even bigger secret?  About the baby that could never be?

Does she know that he never had the balls to come clean, even when given the chance countless times. Has he told her about all the lies he said to my face.  That even though he knew exactly how much hurt and pain the choices he made would put me through, he did it all anyway because he throughout it would be an interesting experience?!

Did he tell her about how I found out about the affair and for weeks had to keep quite about knowing all about it as we where still living under the same roof.  Did he tell her that I never yelled or did all the things I now wish I had of.   Did he mention how he didn't even really try to cover up the affair, that he left a box of condoms in the bedside table for me to find when I was cleaning out the room that once had been our bedroom.  That even when asked about the condoms he still didn't tell the truth and take responsibility for what he'd done.

Did he drag out all my faults out as the reasons for him to leave?  After all I do have many faults it's true and my one was in loving and trusting him.

Oh how I wish I could go back in time to when our paths crossed again.  I wish I'd not called, not emailed, not text'd, not fallen in love with him all over again.  How I wish I could have all that time back.

a few years in the makeing

there are a lot of cobwebs in this old blog of mine.   It's 2014, 5 years since I put any text into a post.

A lot has happened in that time.

I've moved twice.
Left work.
Worked in a whole other feild - left that
Broken up with Stacy.
and returend to study.

I don't have any fish anymore, instead I have two cats!!
I don't take many photos, but still love photography.

The break up with Stacy and return to study thing is kind of funny.

When I first broke up with Stacy, I left uni in Toowoomba, moved to Brisbane and started studying at QUT.   Then when we ran into each other again 3 years later, I was leaving my studies at QUT tin favour of doing graphic design at TAFE.  Then fast forward five years, and I was back in the same situation I had been in Toowoomba, (only this time Stacy out did himself with his level of betrayal)  and left to start all over again.  So I decided to go back to the studies that I had walked away from all those years ago, when he walked back into my life.

10 years after I started my degree I will finally finish it!! 

I've been through the year from hell (again) but I am slowly coming back to life.

fair weather friend

So really I don't know why I'm back here...   Been a long time since I posted anything.  I think life took a serious detour somewhere along the way.   Guess I just stopped spending so much 'free' time on the computer.   Or maybe just had someone else to talk to that I didn't need this outlet anymore.  Who knows? (well not me that's for sure - and as I'm the only one that would really know.. then I guess it will just stay a mystery! 

How's life you ask?  - Okay so no one is reading this and no one is asking but I'm going to PRETEND that is what's going on - as talking to myself is something I'm good at after all (just not very good at listening to myself...... *snort*)

S0 work is 'okay'  I must say the honeymoon of that is well and truly OVER.  Work is Work.  Glad when it's over and I can go home.  

Stacy. Is good, well he does have a cold at the moment but other then that he is good.  Well better then good actually.   Stacy is completely wonderful.  You know one of those people who are just so nice and good at 99% of things?  You know those kinds of people that you just wish you could hate - but you can't cause they are just way to nice....  Yeap that's my boy.  Love him to death.   But I do wish he'd stop making me look so bad!!!   

He spoils me way to much - and not with gifts and trinkets (although he on occasion does that to)... but in taking on more then his fare share...   And he tells me I'm cute so much it's addictive. 

Yes. I know. I'm a lucky girl.  Believe me I'm very thankful for it.  

So yes - that honeymoon is certainly not over!!  (doesn't that make ya sick! haha)

Fish are still here - well the one's that haven't died.   I've actually been a good girl and not added any new friends to the collection of late.  But saying that I am trying to establish two new spawns so I can have my fish babies to cluck over...  

Photography is pretty quite.   I spent all my K-rud money on buying studio lights and a background stand to use at home.  Have used them once....   Really need to get back out there. 

My sister had a baby boy!!!!!  I can't believe I didn't even blog that!!!   or that it's taken me so long to post it in this post!!!  Never said I was a good aunty did I?   Saxon John Ward was added to the family in April.   His four big sisters are loveing having a baby brother.   I finally got to meet him at the start of the month.  He is very cute (just like all his sisters before him)!!!   Was nice to have the Wards up for the day, we didn't get to see them for very long at all less then 24hrs!  All the girls have grown so much.   I wish they where closer to us,  I miss the girls and miss having a role in their lives.  But we make do with what we have.   I really should call them more often.

Other then that.  I'm BORED.  Have taken to staying up late at night again.   I think it's a symptom of my screwed up brain.   Winter is always a tough time 'mentally' for me - thank god I don't live in Switzerland!  Looking forward to spring!!! 

I might try and post here more often.  It's nice to catch up with myself...

So what's new pussy cat??

Given that I post so little on here now it's always hard to think what exactly I should 'catch' up on. There is a lot of 'life' stuff now that just doesn't get mentioned that once would have been a sure fire blog post.

Maybe I should try to post more often....

So things to catch up on.

1. I went on my first photography shoot since I started work!!! It was fun and has really given me back my photogrpahy bug, but I must say it once again taught me that a/i have so much to learn b/i need (want? haha) so much more 'stuff' (haha) and d/ I really don't think group shoots are for me!! I'm to much of a controll freak to have to share!! ;)

2. Works work. I'm still injoying it, and hey, my design was picked for the next catalouge (march) so that is exciting (although there has been a number of changes made since my initioal conpect - but hey the original idea/bones are still my idea haha) . But the most exciting thing about work this last few weeks has been that I wont be there next week!!!

I'm on HOLIDAYS!!

3. I'm off to Melbounre on Tuesday!!! With the boy of course! We're staying a Punt Hill on Little Bourke, where I got a great deal, 4 nights for the price of 3! (so works out to be around $450 for the four nights we are there) .... the scary thing is. Stacy rang the hotel the same day I did, and for the same room the best they could do for him was $209 a night!!! Needless to say I scored big points for my great luck at getting us such a great deal!! (must have just spoken to the right person haha!)

4. Yet another fishie got sent off to the freezer. Sadley it was the daddy to one of my baby fishes and one of my (also) favourite fish. Today we think we pin pointed the cause of the trouble, some new live food that was introduced right before the downhill side of the fishies... no fish have passed since I stopped feeding them the live blackworms so that is making me think even more that they where the cause of the 'evil'

The fish that passed was my boy Kissinger ...






5. ... Was there a five??? Ohh yeah. Someone may have dyed their hair! BLUE. Well I haven't yet. But I've got the 'stuff' here to do so. (and the bleched hair already!) Hey I've always wanted to and if it looks like crap I'll just dye it back to black ;)

Maybe I shoudl go do that now, so I can listen to my parents freak out tomorrow haha.

stupid fish

they keep dieing!!

Had one of my favouriet girly fishies die on the weekend. Was very sad about that, still have no idea WHY she died - she just did.

Then yesterday my darling boy picked me up at the trainstation after work and as we where headed back towards the house he goes "I've got some bad news, did you know Santa was sick?" I said I thought he might have been why? Then he tells me that he'd noticed Santa was laying on his side this morning, and didnt' look well. When he checked before coming to get me, he saw that Santa was dead. I'm like "okay" Not really to fussed as he'd be my least favourite of the boys - I would quite often refer to him as the ugly one (harsh but true - he was no where near as pretty as the others) .... I was still disapointed that he was dead, but not 'deverstated'

After telling me all this Stacy goes. "I've got some other bad news" I was imediately worried. Who else is dead?!?!

Snot.

.... I was DEVERSTATED.

I was even more deverstated when I found out WHY he was dead - as that one is actually well and turely MY fault.

It seems that Snot jumped out of his little tank that he was in, Stacy found him on the floor of the laundry yesterday afternoon covered in ants (poor Snot).

Why it's my fault is becasue I hadn't bothered to put the lid back on the top of the tanks as I figured "none of my fish are jumpers" (Betta's have a tendency to be jumpers) ... BIG mistake!! Seems Snot boy was! *CRY*

I never really thought I'd be much of a fish person but I have to say I am rather attached to my babies.

I spent the rest of last night in depressive mood and sulked around the house. Got snappy with the boy (who snapped back - wahoo!) When we made nice again he explained that he'd had a bit of an emotional day too as he'd been worried all day about how /when to tell me - if to tell me whne on the phone at work or to wait etc etc. He's such a sweety. He also was deverstated about Snot passing away as Stacy was kind of attached to him.

... these are my fishies that passed away first is Hidie (after getting into a fight with her sister Luna), Second is Snot! and lastly Santa.

Simple Things in life

Okay so there is so much to update on but I will leave that for latter.

I just wanted to share something here because it's always been an underline current about this blog ...  although I didn't really realise it until now, even with the amount of times I have come back to it. 

Okay so long time readers will know there has been a one two three key events in my life that have had a HUGE impact on me.  Sure there has been a lot of other stuff that has happened in my life but these three events are ones that changed me for good and bad.  (some more of the latter then I would have liked to admit to).  

I feel like I've turned a corner today.  It actually seems kind of silly to be saying that now so long after it all has passed,  but today for the first time I realised that while the pain,  the feelings of loss may still be there ....  the depression isn't.    It hurts.  But I'm okay with that. Tomorrow I won't be sulking and feeling sorry for myself.   If anything I feel happy,  happy for the people who once meant so much to me, to know that they have gone on to have some wonderful changes in there life.    

Explanation:  I logged into facebook,  normally I avoid it like the plague as seeing old friends is TOUGH.  But as I wanted to add my sister (as apparently she couldn't find me on there. Of course I ended up having a look around.   I saw heaps of photo's of old friends with new additions to there families -some I may no longer know anything about or play any part in their lives - I'll probably never even know the names to those little faces I saw smiling in photos...  but I'm happy.   

Happy because life goes on, it changes for all of us,  it's nicer to find joy in those memories now then to just feel the pain.  

Still, don't think I'll be using facebook all that often, but at least now I know I've moved on and I've let go of all of that ... FIANLY

pst in other news.  I had the most wonderful weekend surrounded by family!!  Lots of girly hugs and kisses from the nieces - bliss.  

so long at the fair

Well I've been slack on the updates haven't I!!

I thought I had at least posted something to say the move had gone well, but seems I haven't. So....


Move went well. Still a lot of unpacking to do! Which is actually getting done this weekend as we're going to be over run with guests next weekend. The big sister and her family are staying with us for a few days.... so you know what that means... Aunty Peta has a lot of photos to catch up on MUWHAHA

It's kind of exciting and scary at the same time, as I'm excited to see them all and get to spend a little time with them all (maybe Jenna might not 'hate' me by the time she goes back home - maybe) but scary as I'm not quite use to the whole grown up hottesst thing. I'm not a very good one actually - lucky Stacy's a little more switched on then me, and I think that comes from him being the eldest. Growing up when ever we 'entertained' at home, I was always 'last' to need to do anything 'offica' in the way of looking after guests. Even after that, when ever we had family get togethers I always found it more 'prudent' to stay the hell away - it was a lot safer to sit back and wait to be told what to do hehe.

So yes. Being 'Queen Bee' of my own house is novel, and certainly something I'm not use to at all. If you ever come over and I forget to offer refresshments or attend to your needs as a guest correctly .... I'm sorry. I hope you where able to find the fridge!


In other household news. I have been a little bit 'nuts' latelly and spent quite a bit of money (credit cards are wonderful-haha) on new 'stuff' for the house. We are currently waiting for some new furniture to turn up (hopeing it's here before the end of the week!) I finally got to use my staff discount at work!!

We have a new lounge suite on it's way (*bounce*), a new outdoor/indoor Kitchen setting (*bounce*) and Bed!! Well that's the exciting stuff anyways - we've also got a storage pantry and a office chair for me on it's way as well. Next on the list once that is all done is some different curtins for around the place - I'd like some darker/thicker curtians in certain areas of the house for more privacy. But that's something that will come along easily.


In boy news. Things are going well there as well. I do feel a touch guilty over just how much work Stacy's had to do around the house, but it's just had to have been that way as I'm working, he's not. So he can do and organise a lot more stuff then what I can. Relationship wise. It's certainly changed things a little, we're both still getting use to each other. I think the things that make me the happiest (and more confident about everything) is that 1. We've had dissagrements - which means we have been talking about things. 2. I've reached points where it's been 'okay I'm sick of you - go somewhere else' .... might sound "mad" but these where issues last time. I like having my space now. I don't have to hang off (and annoy) him, and when I'm pissing him off he'll tell me (where as he use to just put up with it and not say anything). I've only had one big tanty so far, and that was right after moving in and I couldn't find ANYTHING ... and everytime I asked where something might be I was greated with "I don't know, in a box somewhere' The hazords of not packing all your own stuff and having other people do it, is you never know where that thing you're looking for is!! But yes - everything is going well and 'normal'.

In fish news. There has been a lot going on in fish world. The week we moved in, I lost one of my beautiful boys, he was sick in the move and died a few days after moving in from a nasty bug. I cried lots! Stacy was left with the task of burying him out the back as I couldn't bear (nor thought it was environmentaly friendly) to 'flush' him.

Christmas day, another of my fish passed away, this time unexpectedly, this time one of my girls. My Rosey. Stacy came home and was greated by me standing on the front steps holding a dead fish in a cliplock bag - crying.

Boxing day, I decided 'sod it' and set up two of my boys and girls to 'bread' (not really expecting much - if anything to happen - just thought I would give it a shoot). Boxing day was filled with my family christmas 'do' - which just means that I had my parents, Nana and my Brother with his partner and her children over to eat food, play playstation (singstar), play wii and run around the backyard for the day... all of which included me sticking my head in the fish room every now and then to check that my fish where not killing each other, and that the girls wheren't to stressed out by the boys less then 'sweet' loving tactics.

Nothing happened fishie wise boxing day, but the morning after .. there was a lot of action in the fishroom. At first I though only one of the pair would end up 'doing the dead' but nope. Both started spawning and dropping eggs!!

At the end of the day I had four very tired little fishies, two very beaten up little fishy mumma's and two boys sitting under bubble nests FILLED with eggs.

Two days later, there where little tails hanging down from both of those nests. A Day after that, I had little fry swimming around their daddies...

Now I have two tanks with LOTS of baby fry demanding to be feed!

So in about 3'ish months time I should have some very colourful little boys and girls to show off!!

Saddley, one of the baby Mama's passed away from the same icky disease that got the first fish I lost (have since collected new medications to fight this one if any of the other fish come down with it!). I now have two dead fish in my freezer waiting for me to bury them out the back this weekend (which reminds me - must get a shovel to bury them!)

That's about all I can think of. Christmas and New year where pretty easy days, nothing overly exciting or even overly boring. Just spent with the families and a lot of bad singing with the Singstar that I got for a "good end of year" gift from the boy - it wasn't a christmas present as such, even though it was wrapped in christmas paper and I got it christmas day... becasue we wheren't buying each other anything for christmas!! I loved Stacy's reasonlng behind the gift, it was to spoil me for having such a good year!! - Love that boy ;)

Well I best get going, unfortnately the magic elves seem to be on christmas holidays still and no matter how long I wait for them they don't seem to be stopping over to clean and unpack for me!

Those girls are fisy....

Firstly - Thanks everyone for the congrats :) I'm counting down the days!! Can't wait to have a look back through the house on Saturday. I can't wait to start planning things out in my head properly. Of course I would dearly love to go and buy furniture and a whole heap of 'non essential' things for the house - but I think I'll have to behave myself for awhile.

Plus add to that is the fact that idealy we would love to be working towards a house deposit this year... yes I did just really say that!!! Starting to feel like a real grown up haha...


So in other news... Here are some photos of my babies... My girls.

They are mostly in one 22L tank together, you can get away with houseing the girls together depending on their tempermant etc Where as the boys unless you have a HUGE tank are always on their own.

First up.......

Rosie: - becasue she was a slight lavander colour when I got her, I also got her at the same time as two of my other girls and was going to name them after the Golden Girls (Rose, Blanch and Dorothy) ... but only Rose stuck. She's the meany of the bunch so much that she's on a tank on her own as she bites the other girls fins off!!! She is actually quite dark in colour and has a nice purple tinge to her.

Shark-Baite: She ended up with this name as she reminded me of a shark everytime she would chase or flare at the other girls. She's also a little bit of a brat like Rosie, and has been the one I've seen get into the most full on fights with another girl (mostly with Luna)

Group Shoot: Luan on the left, Hidie on the right, and Jaffa's bum down the bottom...

Luna did start out life as "Ping" but sone becasue Luna as she was LOONEY - so Looney Luna is her full name! She's actually one of my favs. I had to preform a rescue operation on her not long after she came to stay. She had gotten her head stuck in a plastic plant thing I had in the tank with her. She couldn't breath and I had no idea how long she had been stuck for. The only way to save her was for me to pull her out - plastic container - plant and all. I was walking around my room with a fish and plant in one hand freaking out about how to get her the hell out if it. Ended up having to cut her out, which was also heart stopping. She pulled through it all okay, a few dents and a few lost scales, but she's fighting fit now!


Hidie: Earnt her name because that's what she would do. Soon as she saw me she'd Hide. I was often trying to find her under one of the plants to check in on her. She did warm up in the end and now doesn't hide at all - she's always at the front of the tank wanting to be fed haha! She's also a fav and will possible the first fish I try breeding with!

Jaffa: Is a bit of an odd ball. She got her name becasue her body is actually a dark chocolate while her fins are a red orange! Just like a Jaffa!! She doesn't like getting her photo taken and spends most of her time at the bottom of the tank hunting for left overs.

Rocky! This is my latest addition to the girly tank. Little miss Rocky. She was the tiniest little Betta I had ever seen .. and when I say tiny I mean tiny she was the size of a 1.25L Cooke bottle lid. - If not smaller!

She has earnt the name Rocky as the moment she saw the other girls through the plastic divider in the inroduction tank she want'ed to 'go' them. Flared like crazy and you could tell she was saying "come on I'll take you on" haha. She's a cute little fish, and it's a laugh to watch her chase the other bigger fish around the tank!

So yeap those are my girls. They don't look much like that anymore though, as I only recently set p the girls tank and they have been working out who is boss and so are all missing chuncks out of their tails,

Will post the boys tomorrow...

I'm big Kev excited.

Wow. The things a girl leaves off her blog now days...

I'm MOVING!!!!!!

Yes that's right... MOVING. And not into a bloody share house... INTO MY OWN PLACE well it's rented but still if I leave the dishes dirty its no one's business but mine and I don't have to deal with other peoples mess!!! *dances*

Did I mention that I am VERY excited!

This is the info. Get the Keys on the 13th (although may get them on the 12th). It is a fully fenced, four bedroom house with Aircon in the lounge and I think bedroom... It is in Ipswich, which I'm okay with now. I didn't want to move back to Ipswich, but given the price/location and the fact that everyone else is there... I guess I can live there for awhile.

The house is nice and big, but I can't really remember the details as I had looked at a few other houses on the day and it was the last one I looked at. The agent actually had the wrong keys and couldn't get in (we'd been to three properties she was showing that day haha)... after having a look around the outside I was very keen to see inside, as I just had this feeling about the house... got the to go back to the office to see if she could get the right keys (this was at like 4:30 on a saturday - and her last showing). Thankfully she was able to get the keys for the back door! Inside was great too, so I decided to just give it a shoot and put in an application, I didn't expect to actually get the house really as people tell you so often how hard it is to get aproval rent, but it all fell into place really easily. I was very lucky.

Of course I owe it all to the wonderful references that everyone gave me!!

With four bedrooms there is going to be lots of room for me and the fish! Well me the fishies and Stacy.... YEAP. Stacy and I are going to co-habitate!! Will be interesting to see how much it is different this time around being that we have both lived on our own now etc.

In the process of making sure I have everything I need to live in and maintain the house. Getting another walkthrough the house on Saturday to refresh my memory on what inside is actually like (mainly want to know where the forth bedroom is and where the bathroom is again haha... oh and if there is carpet!) Got a great deal on a new fridge and washing machine on the weekend with the Good Guy's 15% off Sale.

What else?

Ohh yes, and my family have already nominated us to have the Stokes family christmas at our place (so Bellie - if you're not doing anything Boxing day - you're invited... you'll just have to come to ipswich :P ).

We might also have a few house guests booked in for January already too... Just waiting to find out what Kim's doing as they are coming up in January.... Which I'm excited about, regardless of if we do have them as house guests or not... Been to long between visits!

So yes, not keen to pack up my room but very excited about moving and being in my own space! Can not wait for that!!!

Will post pictures of the house once we are in it I'm sure :)



and lastly. Mixed in with all that wonderful news. If you haven't had enough of that from me yet is this.

I am soooo proud of Stacy. So very happy for him and so excited for him. It hasn't been the easiest thing to do but he's finally gotten there...

MY BOY IS A UNI GRADUATTE!! He passed all his subjects!!! I can not wait to see him in his cap and gown!!

I think 2009 is going to be a very interesting year for the both of us!! While I'd love to have it filled with even more good news ... I'm just hopeing that it's filled with lots of good days as I think I've had a good share of the good luck lately, now I'm just happy to have some easy happy days to enjoy it all with! :)

Sometimes it's hard being me

Okay totaly random. But sometimes I find it hard being "ME" Sometimes I wish that I could be someone else, I can't help but think how easier life would be sometimes if I could....

Lie to people, be more manipulative ie learn how to 'play' people to get what I want or play situtations to get what I want out of them . I have wished I wasn't so moral and have such a black and white attitude. I've always stood by the "if I wouldn't do it - then I wouldn't expect you to either" attitude, which and bite you on the backside becasue on the flip side of that is I kinde of forget just becasue I wouldn't do something doesn't mean others wont.... (this also comes under manipulative also)

I've also wished that I didn't have this need to be 'different' I hate doing things that fit a mold, or that are like everyone else. I think that was another reason I gave up digital scrpabooking, as not only did I get busy, but I felt like I stopped being "different" My stuff started to look like everyone else. I like to be invative, and I stop when I'm not being invative anymore. (when the rest of the world catches up to me haha)

Lately, I've been wishing I could buy into the 'suck up' games that I sometimes see people play - the I'll scratch your back if you scracth mine routine or even worse the "pissing' contests that some get into.

Sorry but I just can't bring myself to be nice to you just to get something out of you. It's not me. I don't do fake. Lately I've been feeling a lot of fakeness around me.

I'm having a bit of rant here.

It's sometimes hard, being open, honest and trusting - along with Stuborn, opinated and moral.

Some days. I wish I couldn't be me.

:)


feeling a little thin this week I think... (or a bit prickly)

Wanted: New Family

Okay... let me preface this by saying ... I LOVE MY FAMILY. (warts and all)

But seriously they make me wonder sometimes...

As some may know Brisbane has been 'Rained' out this week. Last night my 'home town' got a flogging (or is that flooding?).

In my (old) email box tonight, I found an email from my Dad, that had been forwarded to him by my brother (who was sent it from someone named Sue)... a notice that the local shopping centre would be closing at three today because of fears of the undergroud carpark.

Hm I thought - interesting, but doesn't affect me at all. So it went in the trash can.

Then I read the other email my Dad had sent - some random chain mail feel good dribble. (Thinking my mum was behind that one!)

So ... next when I moved onto my emails from the lovely Miz Megan .. and found photos of the floods in Ipswich. I was impressed and thinking I should maybe forward them onto my family.. but as Megan is a family friend, I checked the forwarding info to see if she had already sent them the images...

Guess what I found out - Megan hadn't sent them to my family.. instead my family had sent them to her!!

The emails in question had come for the mystery person Sue again. Sue sent the three email's of photos to my darling brother, who then in turn sent them to my darling sister and my darling parents.... it was my sister who then sent them onto Megan... who sent them to me!!

Glad to see where I sit in the family email chain!!! I'm always telling them I only find out things second hand or months later..... now I have it in email!!

So in the spirt of my familys quirks.

I'll tell you all first (might mention it in a few months to the smelly ones 0r wait until Stacy tells them second hand *giggles*)

... I'M GOING TO MELBOURNE!!!!!! :) I have booked in my first lot of holidays at work!! (yeap holidays already!) First week in Febuary. Stacy and I are jetting off to Melbourne for a few days. Jetstar was having a sale that was to good to refuse ($200 for both of us return!). It will be Stacy's first trip in a plane! As well as both first trip to Melbourne! Can't wait.

No more fish spending money now - have to save up for our trip.

Ohh and also while I'm here, some news that hasn't made it to blog... all happened last friday...

1. Stacy got a job starting mid Febuary, he was VERY lucky and managed to score a much sort after graduate position with the Australian Tax Office!!! My boy's going to be a Tax Man hehe. I'm so very excited and happy for him. I hope he enjoys it. Money will be nice, and a government job will be nice as well. Lucky boy.

2. I finished up probation at work and get this... THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO KEEP ME! (yeah they must be crazy huh!). I even have a new role. I get to take care of the photography side of things - no not takeing the photos but organising the 'what has to be shoot for the next cateloug" / "how should the room setting be set up" "what goes with what" etc etc... more a 'director' role then anything else. So yeap, I'm now the director of photography at work :D

Can't say I'm overly disapointed about that at all..... They figured it was more my 'strong' point given my interest in photography etc. My 'interior designer' bug also likes to raise it's head as well when let lose in the photography studio ... There is already one painting that was often used, that has been hidden up the back of the pile never to be used again!!

I have my first full on shoot next week. I'm a little nervous about it, but hope it will all go well!

Which reminds me - I should get to bed as I have so much work to do tomorrow - photography list to finalise as well as work on catelouge that needs to be done before I can run off to the work christmas party!!

The Dawn of another day

I had something to post, then I forgot what it was?! It was good too! Possible even important...

Ohh that's right.

Things on the Camera front. Mostly my camera is only coming out of it's bag to take photos of the Fishies (all ten of them... yes TEN OF THEM!)

I really need to get back into the swing of things and be more proactive with shoots and things again. I still haven't processed the last two shoots I did (bad Petie). I think until I have them done I'm not letting myself do anything else, but in the mean time my idea's folder is ever growing

I have a regular group of photography peps I hang out with now. Kind of like a camera club really. It's a good pluss and once I pull my finger out and get my butt into gear it could be very rewarding. I've been nominated photoshop guru - teaching them all about textures and other fun photoshop stuff!! LOL

I have my teaching hat on again and loveing it.

This is the end....

Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end


Well no not really, but it doesn't look promising. In september I made a total of 3 posts ... october 2 posts... So does that mean I'll only make one post in November - this one.... kind of like a count down.

Maybe I need to find a new motivation for this blog. It was kind of easy when it was all about scraping, I had that motivation to show off my work, keep up with what everyone else was doing, and also really when you think about it the *need* to keep it up to promote the work of the people's who's creative teams I was on - as after all my blog posts where yet another way for me to do advertising for them and get their work seen as well.

But that's all gone now. I get the itch now and then but it soon fades away.

I have thought about turning this into a photography kind of promotional tool (not that I'm at that stage of self promotion yet) ... but then that would mean that I would have to be okay with all the old posts being a part of that. I could delete them, or hide them - all my old posts. But that feels kind of like throwing away a diary. I do re read parts of this all now and then, it's funny to read back over the person I was and remember all those moments you've forgotten and get to relive again.

I don't know. *shrug* I'll figure it out one day, not like this place is going anywhere! :)


... so on the me front. Works good. Probation is nearly up - then it's off to buy cheap furniture for me!! Haha. I'm currently thinking of moving - looking into it.

It seems though that real estate agents want not only your full credit / life history - but a urine sample as well before they will even let you think about looking at a property!!

Stacy is still under a heap of stress with uni exams, I got to see him this weekend which was novel. Can't wait until that is all done. Then a whole other part of life is on the cards I guess, which will mean a change in our relationship.... will be interesting to see how we both deal with it all. Fingers cross he doesn't wind up getting a job in another state!!!

We'll wait in see - christmas to get through first I guess.

There is also a whole heap of other stuff going on around me at the moment. With family and friends. It's hard at times to know what the right words are to say. But in the end the best I've been able to do is hope they know I'm there for them if they need me!! It's so hard when you just wish you could make everything right for the ones you love and at the end of the day you can't.

Okay enough dribble out of me - time to go to bed!!!

Hope you are all doing well - hugs and smochies to you all!! :)

Something a little bit fishy

I realised I haven't posted any photos of my fishies...

So over the next few days I will upload some photos of my new friends...

First up. Is Eric. Who started all this...

He's such a beautiful fish. He is the common type of Betta fish you get in pet stores - what is referred to as a 'Vail Tail" (There is quite a few different tail types in the Betta family)

Currently Eric's been having a bad week. He got a nasty sickness called White Spot last week, so has been on medication for that. Then later on in the week he developed a second illness - Fin Rot. So more medication for the poor boy and lots of TLC from his Mummy... Today he is felling better, but is still not 100%. All signs of white spot have gone, but the fin rot is still around being pesky. He just got another splash of medication in his water in the hopes that will cure the last of it. Thankfully his appetite has returned, so this is a good sign.

The quirky thing about Eric, is that when he was just new, I got a little freaked out thinking that he had fin rot at one point as part of his tail was missing.... in the end it turned out that he did it to himself!! He's a self harming fishie, or in other words - a Tail Biter!! Thankfully after some time with the counsellor he's seemed to have gotten over this and has healed nicely.

Here is a collection of images I have recently gotten of Eric. I have been trying out my macro lens on getting shots of his tail etc. The big red bit in one of the photos is where he did take a chuck out of his tail and the following regrowth of his fins.






e

Where in the world is ...

ME

hehe. Yeah you know. Life gets like that at times. I think I used this blog when I was more involved in online communities - Like my i-do/blah days and my scrapbooking days.

But now. The extent of my online surfing is checking in on one photography site that I am a regular on (but not participating all that much) and two fishy sites.

Yes - My new obsesion. My fish. I don't say that lightly either. It's kind of an out of control obssession at the moment. The fish are quite litteraly takeing over my room!!

ALL NINE OF THEM! Yes.... NINE! I have four boys and five girls!!

Possible a little bit of replacement syndrom maybe?! :D

I'm banning myself from the pet stores that's for sure!! They are way to cute and I can't help but add to my collection!!

Other areas of my life are going reasonable well. Stacy's hard at study at the moment with hopefully his last semester. It's been very full on for him and will be for the next month or so. So I'm being the supportive girlfriend as best I can be at the moment. I just ring him about what ever nutty new thing I've done with my fish and make him laugh at me...

Spent some time with the family this weekened - friday night. That was good, don't see them anywhere near as much as I use to.

Photography has taken a back seat for awhile, my drive has kind of been down in that area. I did go second shoot a wedding a few weekends ago. I learnt quite a lot and had a great time. Worked out that I'm definately not one of those 'you never see/hear' kind of photographers. I think I had the most fun actually getting to know the people at the wedding, talking to them and actually interacting with them (and then when they where comfortable and forgotten who I was and what I was doing - take photos of them hehe) I also learnt I do still really really want my big ass f2.8 70-200 lens. - One day. Definately if I was doing more wedding work I'd have to get it no if's or but's :)

I haven't done any portfolio work since just before I started work. I'm hopeing next month to do another shoot just to get back into it. I've always got a ready list of people who want me to take their photos - which is rather flattering for me.

What else is there to talk about? Oh yes. Work is going well. I enjoy it, it's a challenge sometimes and I have my good days and my bad days, but over all I really am happy where I am. Out of all the jobs I've had this is the best hands downs. Money side of it all is definately nice, I just have to stop spending it all on fish ;)

For the most part I actually don't want to be anywhere near a computer when I get home, right now I'm kind of over the computer and think I might go off and do some shopping (thankfully all the pet stores will be closed!! hehe)

Ohh and lastly. Last night I had the most 'wackiest' of times. The lovely miz Bel and I went on a GHOST tour of toowoong cemetry. It wasn't scary at all more kind of cheessey, but that said it was very interesting, I would love to go back and see it all in the daylight and take some photos. The most scary part had to be at the end when I found out that there had actually been vandals in the cemetary at the same time as us. Apparently there was a mighty crash and our guide ran off in the direction of the noise. I was blissfully unware of any of this... Turns out there was - shitheads - pushing over grave stones. The Guide didn't catch them, but called the cops who we later saw driving through the site. It was a fun enjoyable night - just what the dr ordered for both myself and Bel ;) (thanks Bellie!!)

.... so on that note. Time to hit the streets and go get stuff for another long week at work!

Taken over.

Well I guess the blog isn't getting as regular updates as it should...

things that have happened.

* I forgot my nieces birthday - it's offical I really am the worlds worse Aunty.
* Stacy Had his birthday
* I added three new additions to my first tank - well to their own tank. I have three female betta's now. Will add photos.
* I got my hair cut and coloured - and I like it. *instert shocked face*
* Work is going well - had my half way review - 5 weeks early.... *blink* ... and things are good :)
* I brought more make up (don't faint Jodie!)
* I've officaly (well still unofficaly) given up tafe (just haven't told tafe this - but sure they know)


now.. just quickly. To get back to one of those secrets I posted awhile ago about. Sadley, not what we where hopeing for to report. But.... I can say this. My brother is trying to reproduce!! Caught me by surprise as I hadn't really expected my brother and his partner to go down that road. I'm excited by the idea of my brother having a baby of his own - but quite frankly have already addopted his partners kids as part of the family! Hey it's true - I even forgot Gina's (my 'new' nieces) birthday!!


That's pretty much it for now - I have to go to bed.

Peace, Love and Coffee Beans ;)

Of all the dumbass things to do...

Well don't I feel like a complete and utter idoit!!

Having gone up to the shops today to grab a few things, I found myself in K-mart buying a few extra things that I hadn't quite planned on - but hey sometime a girls got to spoil herself.

I brought the things I need - a new ironing board cover seeing the one here is CRAP.. some blank cd's to burn photos onto to send out to all those who where apart of the group photoshoot awhile back, and new headphones for my MP3 player as the old ones have broken .... add into this I spoted they had finally come out with season 2 of Verionica Mars, I hummed and hared about buying it as it was $45 worth, but then just brought it as I figured I don't buy Dvd's all that often and would get it as a treat. I also found myself in the cosmetics department!!! *blink* ... and some how another lot of eyeshadow and lipstick made its way into my shopping trolley... (hey it was buy one get 40% off another - so I figured why not hehe).

So swipped the plastic at the counter. Tried not to think about just how much money I spent - Trying to embrass the 'I have money now I can spend it' part of my life. (would NEVER have spent that kind of money a few months ago) .....

Go off do the grocery shopping for the week. Start to feel a little run down (my flue hasn't totaly left me) . My foot starts to ach, so I talked myself into catching a taxi home.

Get to taxi rank, grab out the grochieres from the trolley.... AND TOTALY FORGET THE BAG SITING IN THE SEAT OF THE TOLLEY!!!

I don't realise until I am at my front door and about to go unpack my groceries that something is missing.

Panic. Call the taxi company for another taxi so I can run back up to the shops to HOPEFULLY rescue my left behind bag. [actually begged the lady on the phone to see if she could get one of the taxi drivers already up at the shops to see if the bag was still there - but got this "sorry can't do that" from her.... *cry*)

Taxi comes - takes me back to shops (another $10 for the tax). Pull in and sure enough. Bag is gone. Surprise surprise.

Walk around shops hopeing to spot the bag 'theif' ask security and the staff at Kmart if anyone has handed in a bag of stuff - of course they haven't.

So that's my day.

$140 down the drain.

Well $160 if you count the extra two taxi rides I had to make.

No watching verionica mars for me today. No listening to music on my way to work this week. Worst of all. No ugly nice ironed work clothes with out icky 'metal' marks from the crap ironing board this week.

I so not going to look forward to playing that money off my credit card when the bill comes...

*sigh*

I should of just walked home in the first place, I may not have been able to work for the rest of the night, and lipped or tomorrow but at least I wouldn't have left my shopping behind!!

Selling the MacBook

Cause quite frankly I don't need it.

Spec's:
13" White.
2.4GHz Intel Core 2 Duo
2gb Memory
160hd
Double-layer SuperDrive
Lepord 10.5 OS

- all the standard stuff.

Current retail price at somewhere like JB's is $1799

Reason for Sale: We'll you'd all know the answer to that - brought to get a job - have one now haha. (although was going to joke and say to afford my new make-up habit/addiction haha)

Looking at $1400 ono.

I even still have the box and packageing it came in!

Just thought I would put that out there - of course pick up in Brisbane would be easiest!