"You are more then You have become"

Home alone with the cats on a friday night, this has been my life for too long.  I'm starting to realise that I really need to work on my self confidence, not for anyone else benefit but my own.  I've never been very comfortable in my own skin and with the hell I've been through this last year and a bit it's hard not to want to hide inside, both literally and mentally.  

But by doing that I am just creating a never ending cycle of pain for myself, after all if I don't 'get out there' how can I ever move on?  So this week I cut my hair and coloured it bright blue.  Why you ask???  My family will all think I'm crazy and no one will like it.   But the reason behind it is this.  I need to do something to drive myself out of my comfort zone, I need to stop being me.   

I have wanted to go 'crazy' with colour for my hair for years but the fact that I'm not exactly skinny (okay so I'm fat - very fat) always made me hesitant to stand out even more in public.  I think if I waited until I was acceptably skinny then I'd never actually do it.  

My hope is that having the hair will give me the motivation to want to feel like I have the 'right' to it.  That I'll push myself to take better care of myself and actually really put the effort in that has been lacking for my life time to get to be the confident, healthy person I need to be.   

I started the year trying to work out my head.  I still have a long way to go and never realised just how 'messed' up I've been.   It actually got worse for sometime (still haven't bounced back).  

There are many things I want to achieve in my lifetime.   There are many things I have missed out on achieving as I sold myself short for so long and just gave up on myself.   

I don't have any real answers.   All I know is that I want to feel good in my skin just once in my adult life and to do that I have to at least try and get over this debilitating self doubt.