not an ideal situation

So once again I find myself here writing out the stuff that is turning over in my head.  This has become my dumping ground when I feel like the ground is about to open up and swallow me whole.  I'm thankful no one reads this anymore.   Once this poor little space was filled with reasonable happy jovial post that people came to read and even now and the post comments.  But then life got in the way and everything changed as it tends to have that habit.

Recently we had a new neighbour move into the apparment block, seemed like a bit of a Dick from the first day, as he was yelling / abusing someone on the photo repeatedly out the front of his place.   But after that first day he seemed to 'calm' down.  He is very friendly and although I thought he was a bit of a 'dick' I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he started trying to engage with me in typical neighbourly conversation.  Although he was a little 'out side my comfort zone' to start with he just seemed 'just a little messed up'  - and hey who am I to judge?    So being the nice, friendly, tolerant person I am (aka - weak) I let some weird kind of friendship develop, I was never completely comfortable but we had a few laughs, ate a meal or two together and just generally hung out and talked.   But again just now and then things would come up that just didn't sit right with me.

Nothing bad has happened as such - he still believes we are 'friends' but there are these little warning lights that just keep turning on.  I have found myself just playing nice to keep him happy and avoid any confrontation, I've tried to distance myself from his 'friendship'.  I don't want to make him have any reason to be angry or hateful towards me.  As honestly I can tell this guy is on the edge and could blow like a bomb.  Quite frankly I don't want to be here when that happens.

It's gotten to the stage where I'm trying to hide that I"m home, jumping at every sound and hesitant to go out my door as I know as soon as he knows I"m home he'll be over for a chat and it will be a minefield of boring conversation that is laced with things that just make me uncomfortable and wishing he'd go away. I'll try politely to get him to leave, but he'll have some veiled passive aggressive comment.  Today he started verbally abusing the girl next door as he can stand her - she wasn't even home but he kept yelling at her empty unit and saying that he knew she was in there (she wasn't - she works during the day!).  Now this wasn't directed at me, it's something thought that I don't deal well with - abusive rants/anger/confrontation.  I never have.

So today as I stood in my securely locked up unit - trying to pretend that I was asleep/not home (as he'd already been over to bang on my own door countless times this day)  and praying that he'd not come and try to draw me in on what ever his drug altered brain was up too.  I listened to him yell at that empty unit and imagined if the girl next door had of been home, how scared she'd have been - if it was me I'd have been calling the cops straight away.  The truly scary thing is, that with any wind change that anger and abuse could very well be directed my way. What if I say no the next time he asks for a few dollars or use my phone to call his parents (as he never has credit)  ... will he get sick of me and lay into me verbally next?

I knew given that it wasn't even four o'clock yet and he was in such a state that he'd get worse as the night wore on, that he'd end up at my door banging on it and I'd be walking on egg shells, trying to stay safe with in these walls.   I new I'd have to at some point talk to him, that he'd seem me through the door or hear me flush the toliet and know I was awake. He'd know I was avoiding/ignoring him and I knew that wouldn't be a good outcome.   So I really had no choice but for my own safety and wellbeing to get out of the house, making damn sure he knew I wasn't home in the process.   I actually didn't even feel comfortable leaving the cats to fend for themselves.

I can't say if I fears are really all that rational, maybe noting would happen and he'd just stay quietly in his own unit all night (he didn't - heard him out swearing at someone not long ago).   There is a small part of me is wondering if I'm over reacting because I'm just not use to dealing with this kind of situation at all.  Maybe nothing would ever happen, maybe he is just all loud voice  and nothing else. I'm not sure if I want to stay to find out.

I called my parents and asked for them to come get me.  I didn't want to worry them, I didn't really want to tell them anything about what was going on as I knew they would have the added fear of knowing I was here on my own day after day with this dick head just two doors down.   But I told them and the only solution we can come up with is that I'm going to move - TOMORROW.  I'm moving in with my big brother as he has a house all to himself and has the room.  I hate that I have to do this.  I hate that I have to go running back to my family as I've gotten myself into yet another mess.   I'm stressed out about how it's all going to work out living with my brother as we don't have 'deep' relationship, I know I'm going to drive him up the wall and do things he doesn't like.  I know he'll annoy the crap out of me and I'm so not use to having to live with someone else.

The situation isn't ideal, but I have no other choice at the end of the day.  I'm scared about tomorrow more so about the upheaval the cats are about to go through.  I feel like a bad kitty mother right now.

This could be the best decision I have made, or the worst.   It's just frustrating that once again though no real action/cause on my side I've once again found myself in a mess.  I'm always picking up the pieces.  

fingers crossed that life only gets better from here and this was my rock bottom, as I don't know if I can take anymore 'mss'.