put your right foot in and shake it all about

Sometimes, I honestly really do wish that they had of cut off my leg/foot when I was 12.

I twisted my ankle during the christmas holidays of 1990.  At the time there was an infection in my system that saw this as a great chance to attack me while I was down.   A simple infection that could have been treated with Antibiotics, but my Dr didn't pick it up, he was out of his depth and went to the only reasonable explanation (as there was no break) to cover why I was so much pain - I must be putting it on for christmas!!  Yeap he said that.  He also said he'd put my foot in a cast to hopefully 'make me happy' (and basically shut me up).

Christmas day I was in hospital and I won't go into the gory details but while in hospital I was at risk of having my leg amputated if the infection became bad.  Lucky (or unlucky as the case maybe) the infection didn't take hold and the first skin graft operation was a success.

Ever since I have not known a day without some type of pain.  I had to learn to walk again and I had to learn what it was like to live with an invisible disability.  This is the main reason I wish my leg had of been cut off.   Because then I wouldn't have to deal with the looks, the judgments that I get from people (family and friends) when I say I can't do something because of my foot - or how much I've messed up my life because of it.   Yes I've used it as an excuses, yes I haven't always done the right things and I am well aware of just how much I have let it ruin my life.

Being an Amputee there would have been a lot more support in the transition back to 'normal' life, and that care would have continued long after I'd learnt to stand on my own two feet again.  

It's hard not to feel as no one truly understands about my foot, to them I'm just a normal person with two arms and two legs, just like them.  I'm sure many people, like that Doctor many years ago, just think I'm 'putting it on.  I'm sure they just think I'm lazy and should just suck it up, after all it can't be that bad can it - I walk here and there I can stand up, I can look after myself.

Yes that's true.  But I can't walk for long, I can't stand for long, I can't drive a car.  I've learnt over the years how to manage things, what I can and can't do.  There are things I will do that I will pay for later on that day.   You might see me walking early but what you won't see is that night when I can't walk when I have to revert back to the walking techniques of a toddler and use the furniture around the room to support me as I try and navigate me way around my small apartment.   If you look closely when I walk you'll see that my calfs are two different sizes. My bad leg is slightly turned out after years of walking with my foot twisted outwards to alleviate the pain as it worsens when I have no option but to continue walking.

If I had of been an amputee, my lack of employment wouldn't be a source of embarrassment it would be understandable.  But then too I think if I had of been an amputee my level of employment wouldn't have been so bad, as at least then at a job interview they would understand my limitations - vs when they are just looking at someone who seems able bodied.    Plus add to that due to my foot I can't wear fancy closed in shoes, my foot wear consists of sandals and sneakers - it never looks good turning up to a job interview in your business outfit, having to wear a pair of sneakers because you know you'll have to walk a distance from the train station to get there....  

I feel that most people I know - even those who know about my foot - judge me quite badly in regards to my lack of jobs, they can't understand how it is that I can't find work.  Why I can't do the simple things that anyone can.  I'm tired of the 'you just aren't trying hard enough'  - 'you need to consider other things as well'.   Again I think they just see me as lazy and someone who likes to sit around the house all day.

If I had of been an amputee,  I feel that people would have been more kind, more understanding and more willing to help out.  Maybe I would feel like the things I had overcome and the achievements I had gained (study, work etc) where something to be proud of,  instead of feeling like I have achieved nothing of value.

But I'm not.  So will just have to keep trying to overcome this all on my own, one painful step at a time haha.