are you, are you coming to the tree.

So the world if full of ups and downs.

This year wasn't a good one.  I can't remember the last time I actually had one of those actually.  Maybe the year I started working and moved into my own (rented) house.  So what's that 2010? 2009? 

Somewhere back there anyways. 

So the universe has thrown up another shit storm for me.  I really must have been a bad person in a past life.  It's really my own fault, I made a mistake and should have thought through a decision more.   It's left me completely broke and so far in debt it's not funny.   I'm trying to pretend that it's not going on but it's not going to help any by sticking my head in the sand.  

Uni is not going well, I wanted to be finished by the end of the month.  But sadly that isn't going to happen now.  I've got another year of it all to get through.   Then the daunting task of finding a job yet again.   It's hard to stay positive when every little bit of your being is screaming that you are not good at anything, that you have nothing to offer and that this is all you get.   

At the worst moments I find myself wanting to just open up my veins - throw my arms out wide and just let all the worry run away.  

I never would.   But it's moments like that I understand the urge people have to cut.  I get it. I could never do it.  Mainly because I know if I started it'd be the 'end' that I'd never stop and it would just go down hill from there.  

For now I'm keeping my head up.  Trying to hold it all together and just hold out for the day it'll all be better.