Has it really been a year already?!
I can't quite get my head around it.
It has been a year, but it feels like it was even longer then that, but at the same time, I feels like it was just yesterday.
What was a year ago you ask...
On Monday, it was Noah's birthday. But we'll never have birthday candles for him to blow out.
This weekend I got to see my family on Sunday, at one point my sister realised what the next day was, and of course we started to talk about what Noah would have been doing if he had of been there. He would have been nearly eight months old [after all he wasn't DUE until mid April!] and knowing my sisters children - he would have been crawling EVERYWHERE. I just sat quietly listening to the others just talk about it, at the end my sister held up Jenna to her face and said "But then we wouldn't have Jenna." and gave her a little kiss. Which is true, if Noah had of lived there would have been no Jenna. So I guess things where just meant to be...
This time also represents something more for me. This time last year I hit pretty much rock bottom. The darkest time in my life ever. I don't even know how I managed to get out of it. I guess my whole not letting people down thing saw me through, because no matter how I felt I couldn't *do that* to my family [after all hadn't they all just been through enough?! - I'm not one to be that selfish!]
To think of this time last year, just brings up so much pain. It's suffocating to think about it all. My life was so out of control. I was so messed up and just lost. I can't say I'm *better* yet, but I know I'm *better* then I was. My life is still a little out of control but it's getting there.
So many other things went on at that time too. The weekend after was just the worst thing I have ever experienced mental [I know I cam very close to a total breakdown!]. What with the whole digi bra - scrapboxx dt drama - something I still haven't gotten 'passed' yet. hell I still l have the PM's telling me how tackles and tasteless my post was etc in my inbox. [off to delete them after posting here] I will admit I am still pissed off about that little 'event' because I personally believe that the person in question never actually was sorry for the pain she put me through and when finding out about Noah STILL persisted in telling me off for the post] and then not to mention the OTHER Crapola from yet ANOTHER DT member telling me off for being rude to their friend - and again - knowing full well what I had just been through! - ARGH!
I guess it also pisses me off because once I calmed down and was able to function again, I said sorry. I apologized for my rude behavior and explained while I was so 'extreme' ..... What made me react the way I did. I never got ANY form of reply back. Not even just an acknolgyment [that reminds me I think I have that pm still in my sent folder must delete it too]
I must stop hanging onto the 'negatives' of the past.
Then there was also the trying to reestablished old friendships thing, going back to the old friends I had left, going back to the people who had been my rock in the past. Only to find, I couldn't go back. The pain from what had gone on was still way to strong and even worse with Noha mixed in. To have all of that thrown back in my face, even with what I was now going through. I couldn't do it.
It was crushing to realise that it was 'over' that I had lost that for ever. I don't think I actually realised that's what it was at the time, I just had this big black hole open up and my heart just broke a little. [although I think I did manage to outwardly handel things in that area well..... ] It's only now looking back I can begin to understand what I was feeling at the time.
When I think on all this though I can't help but think just how different my life has become. I don't know if I can say it's better then it was, maybe because I miss my friends. I miss the laughs I had with them, I miss the carefree- ness of it all. I miss the silly posts on the boxx.. I miss the girl I was to some extant. The one who still gave everyone a chance and was ready to help anyone when she could.
I'm a little 'darker' now then I was.
But anyways - I'm done dregging up the past. It's to exhausting and doesn't change anything. It's been a year now. Time to move on and let it go. I am a different person now, I can't go back. There is only forward, and I'll just make sure the person I become now is wonderful also - even if she's a little more bruised.
I did this layout about Noah a long time ago but could never finish it. I was able to complete it last night...
PS. for those of you who still want to know - 1, 3 and 6 are paper layouts :)
10 comments:
{{{Hug}}}
Oh... surprisingly for me I am lost for words... Breathtakingly, Beautiful, heartfelt journaling... a wonderful tribute... your nieces and nephew are so lucky to have you as an aunt.
OMG Peta, I knew this date was coming up, as I just spent the day with my gf dealing with the grief of a year past since her dad passed away.. (she is still eternally grateful to you for creating her cover)
(((((huggles)))))) Beautiful journalling, I now have tears rolling down my cheeks..
Peta I felt a bit like an outsider when I was reading this, as I wasn't even in the Digi world a year ago so I didn't realize all of this had happened. BUT wanted to say your journaling touched me, the love you have for your family is beautiful, they are lucky. As for the scrappy related stuff, well I don't know anything about that but I do know I love the read your posts and I LOVE your layouts, so an old friend I am not but a new fan I am :)
Awesome layout Peta, love your heartfelt journaling. (((Hugs)))
hugs hun, sometimes anniversaries really suck! DebF
***big hugs***
Hugs to you my friend. Time goes so quickly doesn't it.........and yet so slowly all at the same time!
I too still have a *nice* email/pm that I got from a certain DT member from boxx too so I am thinking I too should delete it and move on. I too will never forget that there was no remorse or sorry extended where I think it was due.
That was also the start of the end at boxx for me and while I used to miss it, I also know I AM a better person than that and don't need to go back there to get entangled in what is their *drama*. (or to piss in their pockets!!)
I am so glad you have Jenna & your boy in your life to help you through all this!
Thinking of you.
Sandi :)
(((((HUGS))))) for you honey!
I"ve been your friend through the times you speak about but not close enough to know exactly what happened...although we're not close close, I always regard you as a friend and hate to see you hurting. You're a wonderful person Peta, you touch so many lives, never forget that.
with all due respect Lou, I can't quite understand why you would like me to email you? I don't even really know why I would want to do that.... what am I going to get from it?
Personally I feel very uneasy just thinking of it. Sure you can email me - I mean you can find me on the box and email me from there if you really need to tell me something....
but wanting me to walk through the door... do you really expect me too?
these are the reason why I wont do this - and I hope you can understand my reasons.
1.You have never posted on my blog before, as far as I am aware.
2. My previous experiences with the boxx Dt have not for the most part been positive ones.
3. If you really wished to get in contact with me then you could do so in numours ways other then posting to my blog asking me to email you.
4. While I am open to hear what you have to say - if it is positive - but if it is to 'tell me off' for talking about the boxx by name .. So I am a little hesitant to go down that emotional road and open myself up for more of the 'negatives' IYKWIM.
5. Maybe it's also because you couldn't write anything more then just email me in your comment. This was a pretty personal post for me and there is nothing 'warming' to say "hey I should email Lou." - as I said in my post the one thing that still pisses me off from the whole boxx 'stuff' was the lack of sympathy I felt that I was given at a very traumatic time in my life....
I hope you can appreciate where I am coming from whit all this and why I'm not running to email you right now. I do wish to know what it is you'd like to tell me... but I hope you will understand me saying that I can't no matter how much I would like to know, cross that bridge.
My email is crazylittlepossum@gmail.com if you would like to use it.
bygones
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