fools will be fools

~~~> It's good old Ben's turn today....

I still don't know how I feel today... I went to bed early - first time in sooo very very long and it didn't take me more then a few minutes to fall asleep!!! And I slept fully - must of been the week of useing my brain for study ROFL.

*sigh*

When I was getting my head examined one stage my homework was to work out why I still held on to the past - why I was still so 'attached' to something that was no longer there...

When it came time to talk about it my answer was pretty simple, becasue out of everyone in my life - he was the first person to actually love me for who I am - to know me and love me. I don't even feel that with my family - my family don't know "me" they know their daughter, their sister - their aunty. It seems now kind of ironic now. He doesn't love me - sure he might care for me as a friend, as someone who once was someone specail in his life - but not as the love of his life.

Maybe I'm just to romantic for my own good ROFL. Argh but I've always been senstive and felt things so deeply - so it makes sense is some kind of twisted silly way.

I kept telling him I hated him last night - lol - but the truth of the matter is that I hate myself. I hate that I feel this way, I hate that I love someone who will never love me back.

IT SUCKS!

but on the advice of my dear mate Ben - I will take my face out of my hands and clear my eyes.

No more romantic notions - I know I can't turn my feelings off - but I know I can deal with them, accept them and know once and for all that all that will bring me is another three years where I just let time slip through my fingers waiting for something that just can never be.

and contry to Dido's advice - I won't go down with this ship rofl - I'm putting up the white flag!! I may be in love and always will be - but I am going to move on. This isn't all that there is for me.