You're the only one who really knew me at all

~~~~~~~~~~~> playing postal service over and over right now.....

Okay I have to get this out while it's fresh and before I edit myself later.

Today I saw Stacy again - I won't go into the story of how that came about, it's not important.

We talked for hours - 5/6-10:30 ....... We laughed, we teased, we rehashed things, at some stages I got sad and wanted to cry but held it in, I demolished a Styrofoam coffee cup - firstly out of 'restless/neversness' and then out of anger. I rested my head on his shoulder, he embarassed me in the line up at kfc by talking non stop about anything and everything - even when I told him to shut up! - [he did it purely to embarrass me and did very well at it too!]

It was an eventful night to say the least. Highs, lows and a few things that had me crying the whole way home [not balling crying - just the occasional releasing of tears that could no longer be held in].

I'm not sure exactly what my feelings are yet. What it is I truly feel. I think it will take a couple of days to work it all out... But I know two things NOW.

1. I am alone in the way I feel. This is what made me cry - but in a good way if that makes any sense. I don't think my heart is broken again. I'm sad yes... And crying more now that I write this out. But it is time for me to accept this and to let it go once and for all. Time to let go of the fantasies, the hopes and the dreams that I have kept locked away in a little part of my heart for the last three years. - there is no one day. I admit it - I do still love him, I don't think I know how not to. It's something I have tried to do for the last three years and not been very successful at.

But I have to face it. He just doesn't feel the same way and never will. He's "found himself", isn't confused and 'lost' anymore - and still he doesn't feel what i have felt. What more do I need to know?

I deserve someone who will love me back. I deserve someone who wants to be with me and wants to risk everything to do that. I want that - and I'm not going to live without it. I want to love someone like this and know what it's like to have that back in return.

In a small way I feel sorry for him - if this sounds arrogant of me forgive me - he is going to miss out, he's passed up on something that I hope I'll one day find - someone who would love him completely for everything about him, his good points and his bad points... But at the end of the day I can't make him love me - I can't make him feel as if his breath has been stolen from his body when I'm gone. I know there will never be that day when he turns around and says "yes I can live without you - but I don't want to" - because I know I can live without him, but I don't want to - this is what makes me *know* that I do still love him.

How do I know he doesn't feel the same way about me you might wonder.... Well tonight I got my answer in an indirect way. We where talking about the way I feel - he knew - I'd have hopped he did - he is after all the one who knows me best and would know how I feel - and he said that's why he was so admit that if I felt 'uncomfortable/upset - what ever about us being in contact again then he was understanding if the contact didn't continue - as he had no wish to hurt me more -even though he selfishly wanted to get to know me as a friend again .... He said at this point that he had worried about how I would react if he started dating someone....

That is where I got my answer. Because if he had even felt a little bit of what I did then he would never have had this thought - this worry. This is what told me that I was alone in the way I felt.

It is sad, it makes me cry. But it is the truth.

2. Even with all that with knowing that there is no "love" returned. Even taking that out of my own 'emotions' I feel as if I still want to keep the friendship - I don't know how I'll go at it. Tomorrow I might change my mind when I have had more time to process everything.


I am honestly so sad - but even in that I'm okay. I expected it and have always known that the strength of my feelings out weighed what was given in return. It is something I can't change. It is something that I will deal with now - once and for all - as there is no longer that 'maybe' in my head. No happy every after to this love story.