you spin me right round baby right round

Can't believe it's been over a year since I felt the need to write in here,  well that's not true I have felt the need but just either deleted what ever it was I wrote or just spent to much time going over things in my head.

Things are still mostly the same, not better but not worse, just lost in a word of banal normality or what passes for my normality anyways.    Still trying to get to the end of this uni degree, this is my last semester. It has to be.  Other wise I give up.

I've started letting my creative side out again.  Nothing fancy, no paintings of the mona lisa and the like. But just spending way to much money on pretty papers, pens and other crafty things.

I'm back to doing photos again.  I get out of the house once a week to go take animal photos again.  Trying so very hard not to fall back into old obsessive / control freak patterns - it's been hard.  I get to passionate and involved in things.   Which for the most part I've managed to keep under control, I am yet to fall into the full blown obsessive workaholic like I did during my AWL Qld days.  No doing extra days/shifts - just sticking to the one day a week thing.

I've made new 'friends' and for the most part I've had a good time.  It hasn't been perfect but what ever is and this is me we are talking about.   I'm still trying to figure out the people around me and find my place within this world.  Still failing miserably, but learning to be okay with that.

Actually that's what brought on todays desire to off load.   The last few months or so have been more worse then good.  I actually did have my first breakdown if you will.  I made a bit of a fool of myself - over reacted and just lost the plot.  I got really negative and bitter - ohh and lets face it a wee-bit dramatic and over sensitive...   but really I shouldn't be surprised after all...

It is not a good idea to go off your meds.  Just saying.

I got sick and tired of all the back and forth with the Dr's and trying to get some form of answer to what the hell is up with this stupid brain of mine.  Is it really just that life sucks and I have every reason to just be depressed (ie justified to be 'my life is shit' ish)  or is it that I am type 2 - type 1 Bipolar (that ball got kicked around for a while). The latest one that has been put forward is Dysthymia, better known as chronic depression.

No one seems to be able to make up their minds.   So I figured the best way to get to the bottom of it was to just ditch the meds and see how that goes.  Which I should have spoken to my Dr about before I did it, but as I might like my dr as a 'person' as a Dr I think for me, he's just not the right fix.  I think I'm a bit to complex for him and all he can see is a fat girl that needs to go on a diet.  He can't seem to see past my weight when it comes to my health, both mentally and physically.

I can't remember when I officially stopped taking my meds.  I think this might have been the wrong time of year to do it too, as this has always been my 'bad' period.  But then maybe it was the perfect time really.

What I've discovered so far is that I feel things more now then what I did on the meds.  Maybe that's why I didn't write in here as much for the last year.

I've noticed lately that I tend to be more opinionated, in the fact that I actually have opinions about things and then have a burning need to voice them.  The delete button and I have become good friends.  Anything I think or feel normally ends up just between me and these four walls (and the cats) because once that surge has worn off I ask myself 'is this really important to anyone but me?'

I've noticed being cranky when I have no reason to be.  I was this weekend on my brothers birthday, my Dad even passed comment about it (the fact that I was in a 'bad mood') I just wasn't feeling it that day or the next. I think I might still be.

I noticed one day I was very short tempered (more then normal) with my mum.  I had very little patience that day.  The next day was a complete turn around.

At certain points Arthur bathing himself will drive me nuts I'll not be able to stand the sound. I'll try and ignore it as long as possible but 9/10 I'll yell (not very loudly) at him to stop it.  Poor boy always gives me a look of but I was just making myself clean...

The major thing though has been the incessant talking.  Omg talk about motor mouth, could talk under water type thing.   I've grown to understand what they mean by "Manic".  I have at times tried to stop talking, tried to just be 'calm' but 5 seconds later I'd be at it again.

New things I've noticed is the lack of a filter at times.  On meds I would never have dreamed of asking someone I knew really well, let alone a basic stranger "are you pregnant? or is that just a food baby?"  never ever would I normally rationally ask that question.  But I did, and as soon as I did it was like omg why!?!  Really Peta?!

I'm not convinced I fit into the Bipolar spectrum, but I think I'm closer to it then anything else.

Today was a depressed day. I spend the morning in bed not wanting to get up, on the verge of tears that I could not explain at all - there was no reason for me to feel so deflated nor anything to need to cry over.  It took a lot to pick myself up. Buy the late afternoon I was at full speed, writing a million miles an hour and thinking of a million and one things.

I think I'm still on a bit of a high,  I even started to clean the house a little while ago as I had the sudden urge to clean.  Unfortunately (fortunately?) with sharing the house with someone else I couldn't go into full clean mode so instead just settled for a little sweet of the kitchen.   I've made plans to do more tomorrow....  I doubt I'll follow through though as by then the mood will have run out.

I have actually started to think that there might be something else causing all the various things going on with my health.  This is where I have an issue with my current Dr as he doesn't agree with me that there is anything to it, and I can understand that.  What I don't like is the fact that he won't do any tests or even take a moment to just consider the facts as a whole.  I'd be quite happy to be wrong, I just wish he'd at least prove that he is right.

Funny I came to write in here about my realisation about why I don't seem to fit in to well socially with others,  why I don't fit in pretty much most of the time. But now I have gone off on a tangent and the post just doesn't seem to warrant that whole conversation now.   To put it simply I have realised that I never learnt the art of sucking up to people.  In a job context I've always just done my job, I've put in extra effort without being asked and have always thought that was what it was all about, you do your job, you do more when you can and make sure you know as much as possible so you can work most effectively.  I've found even when I do things that are significant it's still not enough to 'matter'.  No one cares.  It's not that I want to be praised or rewarded.  It would just feel good to know what you did was noticed every now and then, that you where included in things that you have worked on, that you are apart of.

It's never happened and it's always been that way.  I'm not the shinning star I'm just the one that gets the job done.  I don't have the confidence it takes to just blindly insert myself into a situation.  I like to think that I'm at lease a likeable person, I think it is safe to say that people do like me, but I just don't stand out - even with blue hair - when it comes to the important things my face and name just fade off into the background  - I'm just that 'nice girl' someone once knew.