Lots on my mind
There are so many things going on in my head right now. Lots of things to think about. Lots of choices to be made.
I hate it.
HAHA.
I'm so not good at makeing choices.
I know I've bletted on about this in the past and gotten my butt kicked from a few of you over it. But the fact that as of this month I have no more publications in any of the Aussie mags comming really has changed the direction in which I am heading. I know I sound totaly crazy but it has. I'm the first to admit i have been truely lucky to have the layouts I have published. It's been mind blowing and it's more then I could have ever dreame. People out there would love to just have one layout published. Here I am with what [goes off to count] 16 digital layouts published and 1 paper layout... more then my fair share really right? I'm sad though that it looks like its 'over' that my good run has come to an end. I don't know what changed or why suddenly I'm not getting those emails but I'm not and it's time to take the next step ... it's just a matter of working out the "where do I go from here" thing....
I guess maybe this is going to be a bad week. Things from the past back on my mind. So much has changed of late and there are some very serious conserquences for it all.
Noah was due to join my family this weekend. Breaks my heart. I want to be with my sister this weekend - even if we aren't close [no I'm not as close to my sister as some of you might think - we never have been]. It's her birthday also. But I have commited myself going to a friends wedding. Which is another area where I'm questioning myself over. This friend has been great to me in the past, made me smile when I needed it and took time to be there for me when others had walked out of my life. But more and more now, I don't hear from her. I can't even remember the last time I saw her! I haven't even talked to her on the phone since the start of March. I rang her twice on her mobile last week and she never returened my call. I guess I'm left wondering if there will still be a friendship after the wedding? Is this just the natural change that happens - where you say goodbye with out saying goodbye?
I've had my share of those this last year and more.
you know the ones where you just gradually stop talking - don't phone anymore, just forget to reply to emails ... not that you don't like, love or care for the person anymore - you both just go down a different road and forget to bridge them again now and then for what ever reasons...
I got a birthday card from my Nana this weekend. There is one thing that just sticks out for me in it. At the end she worte "Be Happy". This has been going through my head ever since.
Be Happy.
I'm not happy. I know that.
My last vist to the Head Dr. he told me I need to find something to make me happy becasue clearly I'm not happy in my life - [he was talking more about uni then anything else but it's true for all parts]
I'm not happy.
Sure I can experience joy still. I can smile and laugh.
But I'm not happy.
the sadest thing of all - is that I don't know what would make me happy. No more layouts published wouldn't make me happy. That lasts for only a few moments.
It's complex ROFL.
and the thing is I have to start makeing some choices that are either going to make me happy - or just push me down into this hole a little more... it's hard knowing which is which.
Editted: Actually it hit me just after I posted. The hardest thing about everything I'm going through right now is that I know in the back of my head that I have to 'let go' of some of the things that have actually been the tools that have 'kept' me 'sorta' happy. Becasue to get to the point that I need to - they need to go - so it's kind of like swimming with out that life jacket I have been wearing. And it scares the crap out of me!!
But as days go by I'm realising I have less and less choice... .ARGH!!
[hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up in a much better mood]
10 comments:
****big huge hugs****
I hope that whatever you can do you can find a way to be happy - whatever it takes to happen. I've had trouble, I still have trouble being happy. Its almost like this digi scrapping thing can bring SO much happiness but at the same time bring you down..ahh the joys.
Take care, thinking of ya
I hope everything works out for you! I can send you silly pictures! I'm sure I can figure out how to take a picture of myself ROFL.
I love seeing all the beautiful layouts you do. The theme you have going for the girls playroom is awesome! You are very talented girl!
Is there something in the water these days!?! :) I've read so many posts tonight about "changing" and "rethinking things"...and mine says exactly the same thing! I guess sometimes there's a price to pay for creativity...focusing the energy on being productive and just moving forward can be the hardest part.
I really hope that things go well at the wedding for you with your friend. I've had those friends too...and been the friend. It's tough from both points of view.....Brighten up, gal! :) We can all do this, right?!! :) Let me know if you need to chat.....
hugs!!! Love out to you.
wow sounds like lots going on for you right now... so just sending some hugs and support :)
{{{big hug}}}
Hang in there!
Hi there Peta
I know we aren't close friends but I just wanted to send you a BIG friendly hug.
I know what you mean about certain friends seeming to drift away and you loose touch (been there, done that).
Maybe this friend of yours who is getting married has been so busy with organising her wedding she thinks she doesn't have time right now to call you back. See how things go after the wedding is over. Believe me weddings can be a very stressfull time for those involved and afterwards I am sure your friend will have more spare time again.
Take care and have a nice day :)
If you don't find this to personal a question Peta, when was the last time you remember being happy?
wise question Nexus...
It was a hard one to answer. I can look back to last year and remember some pretty happy times. I can remember that I smiled more often and it was a real smile that I felt on the inside also. There was still things that I wasn't happy about things that wheren't going well in my life...
For me the moment I look back to when the smile on the inside went out. Was when a close friend passed away. It's complicated and made even more complicated by other things that went on around at the time.
The 'good' in life was gone - but not just because my friend was gone but becasuse other things had changed before and after that also...
it wasn't the cuase it was just the catalist.
Things just went even more down hill from there..
but they are going back up. I'm working on it :)
Make sense?
I have an observation and a question. Firstly I'd like to make clear I don't wish to add to your unhappiness, but I inadvertently may. I apologise if I do as this is your space. Firstly my personal view after reading your blog is that you are trying to achieve a few things. These are a job, regular sleeping pattern, a more positive attitude and healthy regular meals. To me these seem to be a foundation. Not something that will bring happiness but something to build happiness and a life style on. Now for my question, what will make you happy again? or What maded/makes you happy (past/present)?
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