2005

I would like to say that 2005 was a good year - and in some cases it was, it had it's moments.

I got my first layout publised - that was a great thrill to say the least!! I discovered digital scrapping and found out I was [big headed moment here] that I was pretty good at it. I got on my first digital design team and from there I got even more layouts published with a layout in each of the Australian scrap magazines - Something to be very proud of for sure, I've been very lucky I know. I got on more design teams - I even actually got ASKED to be on one!!! [Thanks Sandra!]. I made some fantastic new friends *waves* Some may have only been in my life for the flutter of a butterfly wing - others may be like glue and just stick to me forever - but no matter how long the friendships last they will all have touched my life in their own way. And this is what I'm most thankful for, My Friends.

Okay and on a cheecky note - I finally found out what it was to be 'involved' with someone other then my ex-fiancee - a big step in my life the night I broke my Stacy Vaginity ROFLMAO!! [yes his name was Stacy - I'm not gay!]

But even with all that joy and happieness I don't think I'll look back on 2005 as a good year. It's yet another year that I don't want to keep a hold of. I know I should look to the good and remember that. But to do that would also take away from some very important things. Maybe we should remember the sad.

This year I lost a friend - well I lost quite a few friends but only one was as they say 'taken' from me. No matter what anyone says or thinks I loved Sanni with all my heart and would have walked across hot coals if that would of made her better. I know I didn't know her as well as others, I know I didn't see her for a year before she passed but not a day went by where I didn't hold onto the hope that tomorrow would be the day that she'd be back on the road to recovery. It broke my heart the day that was no longer something to hope for. I still think of her nearly everyday, but now it's not just so much of her but of the ones she left behind, her mother, father, sister, brother, husband, niece and daughter... I wonder how they are doing now.

I was hurt beyond what any words can ever express by people I once counted as friends.

I let uni suffer more this year and the worst of it all is I knew what I was doing...

I started falling deeper into a black pit that I was building for myself - shutting out everyone family, friends, everyone...

Then we lost Noah.

And the following weekend I feel off the edge I had been holding onto. I have never been so unconected with myself as I was that sunday morning. I can still remember the feelings but can't explain them with words. It was dark state I never hope to be in again and I'm forever greatful that I had nothing 'sharper then my own finger nail with me in that bus shelter and that Janes SMS snaped me out of it. It seems even more sureal to think how 'normal' I was for the rest of the day...

I can't explain why it is that the death of my sisters child effected me so greatly - I haven't even let on to my sister or even anyone in my family about just how much it's effected me. I guess we are all hideing it really trying to spare the other from our own pain maybe. I know there are people out there who would think I'm nuts for being so upset about it all - after all it was my sisters loss not mine... The only way I can explain it is this, from the first day I held each of my nieces they entred my heart and just like the rest of their family - I'd give them a kidney if they needed one and Kill anyone who hurt them. This is why I call them my girls! The moment I held Noah... I felt the same way and it broke my heart to know there was nothing i could give to keep this little boy alive - he was already gone. But he's still my boy.

So forgive me if I don't want to call 2005 a good year dispite all the good that did come from it....