Can it get any worse?
{going on the mantra – it’s my blog I can say what I want}

I knew today would be hard. I knew I’d struggle as I’d be thinking of the events of last weekend and worse – I’d be alone. But I didn’t know it would be THIS bad.

Firstly, this week I FINALLY after much encouragement and support from some wonderful girls – Went and got help for the way I have been feeling of late. Last weekends events where the final push as I knew I’d just get even worse and I couldn’t cope already as it is.

So anyways It was in my counselling session that I realised something. I was talking about troubles I had this year all that I was going through and I spoke of the choice I had made to isolate myself from a group of friends due to some unkind things that a few other people in the group had said, so due to one {two-four} people I isolated myself from some of my biggest support networks. I already was struggling and while at the time I thought I was doing it to get better – I actually ended up just digging the hole I was in all that more deeper. So I realised – I had to just face the people who didn’t like me and just deal with it. So I rejoined my friends in our personal, private corner of the world {yes a forum} While I never expected everyone there to welcome me back with open arms. I guess I was still caught off guard when given what I had posted about – one of the people who I knew wouldn’t be happy that I was back, felt the need to post and say it. Yes I did appreciate it, in at least I know where I stand… but I would of appreciated it more if it had of been said in private. But that doesn’t matter now. I cried when I read it, had a min break down – but I picked myself back up off the ground and dusted myself off with the thought – Well that’s done now.

Next… I knew I didn’t want to be alone tonight. So I tried to think of a way not to be. Unfortunately all those plans feel through. – I did have a lovely friend who offered to come and get me late tonight so I could stay at her place. But when that happened I was feeling ‘positive’ as we made plans to do something tomorrow… So yes. I went to the shops got lots of comfort food and for some reason for the first time in a very LONG time – managed to get blisters on the back of both heals from my shoes on the walk to the shop – ohh the pain – went through a half a box of bandaids on the walk back home!!! I had planned to spend the night in front of the telly watching crap… only problem was – evil house mate was hogging tv watching ‘stuff’ on SBS – so wasn’t up to that. So it was back to my room to hide out again and try to find something to take my mind of it all. Least I had ice cream now :)

Then… You know how cute I thought that bra was… Well I made the choice to post it up on a forum I visit to often. I thought it would make the girls there laugh. I was wrong. I got a pm tonight to tell me it was offensive, tacky, in poor taste and inappropriate and pretty much told to delete it. To say I coped well to that would be such a lie. I admit it I didn’t take it to well… hell I ended up on the floor sobbing my eye’s out with a pillow over my face to drown out the sounds as didn’t want evil housemate to hear. I reacted badly. I have no trouble admitting to that… but I couldn’t exactly understand why I was spoken to as I was. I was hurt that I was treated the way I was and considering what I am going through today, I though a little be more of a tender touch could have been used the telling me my post was offensive tacky and in bad taste…. but hey each to there own. Ohh and also that I should keep the tackyness to my blog.... Hmm does that mean my blog is tacky?? I think I will chose to believe that wasn't what was meant - even if it *could* be read that way.... :)

So yes – I thought I would just be crying over the loss of Noah tonight. But seemed I cried over everything else. I’m glad I’m going to the counsellor, because for a moment on that floor things got a little scary till I got a hold of myself again. {and damn that hurt - still have the nail marks in my shoulder.}

But still there was a few shining lights in the day – my plans for tomorrow – my friends who have supported my move back onto the other forum and are happy to see be back – the friend who I thought didn’t like me – but it turns out they do – I was just a dick. And the friend who gave me a reason to get back up off the floor so I could tell her I was alright… ..or as the case was – that I wasn’t.

I’m such a drama queen aren’t I!?!?! – hope this is the last time I have any reason to be – but I know it won’t *sigh*