Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that
I'm looking forward to the day that I feel like writing in here about something happy. But for now it's still all about the glass being half empty I'm afraid.
I'm not looking forward to the following week, a lot of stress coming up and currently I don't handle that too well. At least this time I'm trying to work out straggles to get through it all. It's going to be a fight everyday but I have to get through it - I don't have any other choice really. So I just keep putting one foot in front of the other hopping that one day I'll wake up and have all the answers.
I don't know if I mentioned it but I'm back studying again, at first it was easy, I was full of positive energy, excited about finally getting my degree done and taking on the world. Then things crept up on me, my self confidence took a nose dive and my world got so much smaller.
Having nearly zero self confidence makes it very hard to work on group assignments. At the moment I'm stuck in a group with people who have only just been able to start drinking legally. It freaks me out each time I realise that the year that I was graduating from high school, they hadn't even turned one.
If you knew me before you'd know I wasn't only fun to be around - but I also was a bit of a control freak. I would try to take control of everything. It actually has been a trait I've struggled with over the years, as mixed with my want to please people and my innate ability to not read people. It caused problems. So now I find myself stuck, I don't have the confidence to disagree with what other people say or don't know how to 'assert' myself with people so much younger then me.
With my current assignment I don't think we'll get a very good mark - I don't think we have gone down the right track and com up with the best ideas. But I don't believe in myself enough to argue, I see these kids take one look at me turn their backs and I just give in.
Today I found myself thinking about the fact that once I finish uni these are the people I will be up against when it comes to looking for work and even with all my life experience I really don't have anything 'over' these kids. It's hard to work so hard at uni when everything just feels so hopeless, but that's all related back to the whole self confidence issues.
Slowly I'm chipping away at everything that attacks it and brings me to my knees, it's a tough fight most times and something that is most likely going to take a life time to work on. I just have to get through next week and go from there...
Having nearly zero self confidence makes it very hard to work on group assignments. At the moment I'm stuck in a group with people who have only just been able to start drinking legally. It freaks me out each time I realise that the year that I was graduating from high school, they hadn't even turned one.
If you knew me before you'd know I wasn't only fun to be around - but I also was a bit of a control freak. I would try to take control of everything. It actually has been a trait I've struggled with over the years, as mixed with my want to please people and my innate ability to not read people. It caused problems. So now I find myself stuck, I don't have the confidence to disagree with what other people say or don't know how to 'assert' myself with people so much younger then me.
With my current assignment I don't think we'll get a very good mark - I don't think we have gone down the right track and com up with the best ideas. But I don't believe in myself enough to argue, I see these kids take one look at me turn their backs and I just give in.
Today I found myself thinking about the fact that once I finish uni these are the people I will be up against when it comes to looking for work and even with all my life experience I really don't have anything 'over' these kids. It's hard to work so hard at uni when everything just feels so hopeless, but that's all related back to the whole self confidence issues.
Slowly I'm chipping away at everything that attacks it and brings me to my knees, it's a tough fight most times and something that is most likely going to take a life time to work on. I just have to get through next week and go from there...
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